Children And Grief
Death is a natural event, and experts agree that children, even the very young, should not be shielded from it. Children can recognize death as an event and are often curious about it. The general advice is to talk to the child simply and truthfully about the death, in an age-appropriate manner.
Start by asking questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation. Then, explain the situation simply and honestly. For example, you might say, "Grandma’s heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died."
It's important to avoid giving answers that might confuse or frighten the child, such as "Grandma went to sleep and won't wake up" or "God took Grandma to be with the angels." While these phrases are meant to comfort, children may interpret them literally and develop fears, like being afraid to go to sleep.
Allow the child to ask questions if they want, but don't pressure them if they don't respond. A younger child may ask questions like "Where is Grandma now?" or "Is my kitty in heaven?" Older children might grasp the finality of death more fully and ask more abstract questions related to faith and the meaning of life.
For any age group, provide truthful, simple answers in terms the child can understand.
How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?
A child's age and emotional development will influence how they experience grief.
Ages 2 to 7
Children up to 7 years old often see death mainly as a separation event, which can make them feel abandoned and scared. They may fear being alone and might not want to sleep alone at night or go to school.
Since young children usually lack the verbal skills to express their feelings, they may "act out" instead. This can include behaviors like temper tantrums, refusing to obey adults, or creating an imaginary life with role-playing. Other behaviors, especially in children between 2 and 5 years old, may include issues with eating, sleeping, toileting, or bed-wetting. Very young children under the age of 2 might suddenly refuse to talk and become more irritable overall.
Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age group have begun to understand death as a permanent event. They may see it as a personal threat to their own safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or engage in "preventive" behaviors to protect themselves from death, such as aligning with someone they believe can protect them or focusing on being "brave" or "good." Some may withdraw socially and emotionally from others.
Symptoms can include problems concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following directions, and difficulty performing daily tasks.
Teens
While teenagers understand and perceive death similarly to adults, they may express their grief differently. They might react in more dramatic ways or engage in reckless behaviors to "defy" death. This can include reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex as a form of "acting out" their anxieties and grief.
Sometimes, thoughts of suicide may arise in a teen struggling to process their loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens can include a preoccupation with death, talking about suicide, or giving away belongings.
Parents should be vigilant for any changes in their teenager's behavior and seek professional counseling immediately if they suspect their child may be in danger.
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